A Few Solutions<\/span><\/div>\nIf this problem, and I think it’s a substantial one, is to be addressed in the Evangelical world, several things must be done. First of all, the contradictions mentioned above need to be brought further into the light from Evangelical leaders\u2014people need to understand the differences between their explicit theological commitments and their unconsciously-embraced cultural commitments\u2014and where those commitments come into conflict.<\/p>\n
Secondly, if there is a group today that, as far as I can tell, is having success in maintaining some consistency with respect to abstinence and marriage, it is the Latter-Day Saints. Evangelicals need to swallow their pride and their distaste towards Mormons and study how they have approached this issue.<\/p>\n
Part of the solution is that, quite frankly, the average Mormon is generally more committed to his\/her faith than the standard Evangelical. When a typical middle-class Evangelical teen finishes high school, she goes straight to college in the hopes of getting a solid job afterwards. When a typical Mormon finishes, he goes on a two year mission, putting college off until later, since the faith comes first. Between 80 and 90% of 19 year old males whose families are active in the LDS church go on such a mission. Try getting Evangelicals to agree to that sort of thing in those numbers\u2014it wouldn’t happen.<\/p>\n
As a result, Mormon students get to college as more mature and thoroughly prepared individuals than the typical youth-group Evangelical. They’ve already had two years away from home, in the real world, in a sort of forced responsibility while representing their faith against all comers. It is also far from abnormal for a Mormon couple to marry before or during college. After all, college was already put off two years anyway. Even more importantly, both the family and the church support the young couple financially, providing a safety net and sense of community for the burgeoning marriage at a point when the couple is at the bottom of its earning power.<\/p>\n
In contrast, Evangelical families tend to do exactly the opposite, often declaring that \u00a0once a couple is married, they’re on their own, responsible for their own finances. For their part, Evangelical churches are generally too busy with their building drives and expensive projects to support these young and fragile couples. But if they want stronger churches in the future, it would be wise to redirect many of these resources to the support of faithful young couples who aren’t yet in a position to earn much.<\/p>\n
A large part of the fear of early marriage involves early pregnancy, which would presumably “doom” the young couple to a life of poverty and ending the woman’s college career. First of all, pregnancy is by no means inevitable upon marriage. Secondly, even if a pregnancy does occur, the whole point is that the priorities need to change\u2014support of of these young couples needs to take the front seat. Evangelical parents and churches should take responsibility for supporting the young family until they’re on their proverbial feet. Younger marriages are only feasible when the community\u2014starting with the parents\u2014convert their priorities away from vacations and retirement and towards supporting young couples.<\/p>\n
Why is it so unthinkable for two 20 year olds to get married and then continue to receive financial support from their parents to live? Wouldn’t they have received the support anyway had they remained single? But in the absence of children (obviously), it’s actually cheaper for them to live as a couple. \u00a0Even the admittedly substantial expense of raising children is overstated in part because of our rapid expansion of the “American dream.” Look at reruns of “Leave it to Beaver” or “The Brady Bunch.” Kids shared rooms; “small” houses were the norm. Why is it so important all of a sudden to be able to afford a “large enough” dwelling or pay for expensive lessons and activities?\u00a0These priorities need to change, as does the concept that one’s 20s are somehow a time to travel the world and take vacations, but that’s another discussion altogether.<\/p>\n
Thirdly, the conception of the college years needs to change, not only in the Evangelical world, but in America at large. As things stand today, college is an extension of adolescence\u2014it is one last opportunity to truly be irresponsible most of the time while still gaining necessary qualifications for adult life in the future. College “kids” are known for their binge drinking and risky behavior, including all sorts of sexual encounters. Evangelicals are of course aware of this and try to provide alternate activities for their college students\u2014campus ministries and the like. Parents often provide some support through college (though that would typically be revoked upon marriage), while scholarships and student loans frequently account for the bulk of the students’ support. In return for this relatively carefree lifestyle, the average student is expected to spend 12\u201315 hours per week in class, with a few papers and exams at certain intervals.<\/p>\n
It should therefore come as no surprise that, as an instructor, my married students have typically been my steadiest and best students. They seem to find time that no other students have, and they’re usually on top of their work. Now, I ask, why do we regard the university years as somehow detached from the rest of adult life? Why isn’t school looked at as the equivalent of a job? Why is it so taboo for couples to marry while in college?<\/p>\n
Frankly, I think it’s probably better for many Evangelical students to go through college while married\u2014they’d more than likely get higher grades and have fewer problems due to the lack of responsibility that comes with being single and having lots of free, unstructured time. Why can’t college be seen as the beginning of the work world, rather than a sort of liminal adolescence between being home and having to work? Why isn’t college seen and handled as a job? What’s the difference, other than income? A job pays in the present, while college (presumably) is undertaken in order to get paid more later. \n \nBut then how to pay for the wedding? Am I not aware that the average wedding costs around $20k these days? Again, why is it necessary to follow the culture on this? Why not simply have a small celebration; after all, it’s the covenant that matters, not the ceremony\u2014at least if theology is to be taken seriously.<\/span><\/p>\nFinally, in order for there to be any consistency, the marriage relationship itself needs to be reframed. That is, Christian marriage must be understood as a God-centered relationship, not a self-centered one. Rather than fixating on finding a partner who satisfies “me” in the pursuit of a standard \u201csuccessful\u201d life reflected by financial comfort and a big house, Christian marriage should be framed as finding someone with whom to serve God while sharing a sexual relationship and potentially a family.<\/p>\n
Such a perspective is remarkably simple, and reflects a practicality about the work involved in a marriage relationship in order for it to survive. At that point, it simply becomes about finding a person who shares one\u2019s values and sense of service while also being mutually sexually attractive. As my ever-practical father has said for years: Find a like-minded woman you actually enjoy spending time with; if you find her attractive, marry her. It’s a far cry from the “soul mate” mentality that has been pushed for so many years, and it works hand-in-glove with the call to commitment inherent in the gospel.<\/p>\n
Finally, marriage must be understood as a representation and vessel of God\u2019s presence in the world. In keeping with prior Jewish tradition, Paul repeatedly turns to marriage as the best illustration of God\u2019s relationship with his people. And marriage is seen as a mode of sanctification\u2014not only for oneself but one\u2019s children (1 Cor 7:14) and as an avenue for grace to be extended to the world. After all, Jesus did not say that he would be present in large groups, but that he would be \u201cin the midst of\u201d two or three gathered in his name\u2014effectively establishing the believing nuclear family as the basic unit of the Jesus-movement.<\/p>\n
As a final note, I should add that my comments do have an additional experiential authority on this matter, as I am a 27-year-old virgin (for that matter, I have not yet experienced the joy of a kiss). I wish I were the norm (cf. 1 Cor 7:7), but even the apostle Paul thinks that to be unrealistic. The fact that I have managed does not mean that everyone else should be expected to make it to their late 20s. It’s neither practical, nor realistic. Unfortunately, the Evangelical world has not recognized this, though there are some positive signs of change on the horizon in that respect, as the initial MSNBC article discusses.<\/span><\/p>\nThe bottom line: if Evangelicals are to continue to push abstinence-till-marriage as a biblical essential, they ultimately <\/span>must<\/span> embrace earlier marriage (and a different view of both college and marriage). Otherwise, the abstinence message is, in the words of Bristol Palin, “not realistic.” \n<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Evangelicals must choose between two opposing worldviews pertaining to sex and marriage. No longer can they push abstinence until marriage on the one hand while on the other hand embracing the cultural shift towards later marriage. This combination puts many Evangelical young people in the unreasonable and high-pressure situation of abstaining from sex throughout their most sexually-charged years. This article proposes several needed changes if Evangelicals are to continue to embrace abstinence.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2171,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,18],"tags":[23,417,61,420,418,110,193,419,273],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
An Evangelical Dilemma: Wait for Sex AND Wait to Marry? - Jason Staples<\/title>\n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n\t \n\t \n\t \n \n \n \n \n \n\t \n\t \n\t \n